5 Tips For Navigating New Relationships With A Chronic Illness
Nobody said dating was easy, and dating with a chronic illness is even harder. On top of the normal worries that everyone has, you’re asking yourself ‘What will they think? Will they accept me? Will they act weird about it? When is the right time to tell them? Should I tell them?’ As someone who got a chronic illness in their early 20s, here’s my advice about dating when you’re chronically ill:
1. Tell them, or don’t
When, or if you decide to tell someone about your health issues is up to you. It’s a part of you, whether you like it or not, and you deserve to be with someone who loves every part of you, but love isn’t immediate. Not everyone deserves to know you, so first make sure they’re someone you actually like.
You don’t have to tell them every detail, but if it’s something that won’t go away, they’ll probably find out sooner or later. Plus, there’s nothing wrong with having an illness. It’s not a reflection of your character, and if someone thinks it is then they’re not the one for you.
Telling somebody your health issues as the first thing about you probably isn’t the best move, but it can also quickly weed out anybody who couldn’t handle it, so it’s not bad if you do either. If you find yourself with someone you like and feel comfortable with and are worried about scaring them off, tell them at your own pace. You can start with your diagnosis, and if you want a general description of what it means.
2. Communicate
Chronic illness usually means limitations. It can be things like dietary restrictions, emotional triggers, energy limits, physical restrictions, or something else. Whatever your limits are, don’t feel like you have to push yourself past them for someone to like you.
Be honest and let them know your limitations and boundaries. That way you won’t accidentally go on a hiking date when you can barely walk around the mall, or have someone take you to an Italian restaurant when you’re gluten and dairy free.
On the other hand, tell them what you can and enjoy doing. There’s a lot more to you about what you like and can do than what you can’t. Plus, good communication is important for any healthy relationship.
3. Educate them
Your partner may not understand your condition, but that doesn’t mean they can’t learn. Share resources and information with them so they can better understand what you’re going through. But don’t just share general information with them. Talk to them about your condition specifically and how it affects you.
No matter the illness, your experience will not be the same as someone else’s. I have Crohn’s disease, and some people have it under control with just diet adjustments, while I on the other hand have tried over 5 different medications and had surgery. Educating them on what your condition is is just a step in getting to know you.
4. Celebrate the little things
Although you are the one dealing with all the symptoms and struggling firsthand with the illness, it doesn’t mean it won’t affect them. It sucks to see someone you care about struggling or in pain. This doesn’t mean you should avoid telling them about your problems, but rather make sure to share the positives with them too. Whether it’s a low pain day, a high spoons day, or even just that you got to enjoy nice weather, take time to appreciate the good moments, and share them with your partner.
Chronic illness life sucks, and it can be easy to focus on the bad, but it’s important to not dwell. Nobody wants to be with someone who only complains and sees the bad in life. It doesn’t matter how small the accomplishment is, positivity is important for mental health, yours and theirs.
Noticing the small positives can help your mindset and shifts your focus from all the bad things happening to the good. This doesn’t mean ignoring the negatives, because toxic positivity is bad too. You can acknowledge that there are a lot of bad things going on with you and still celebrate the small moments.
5. Don’t settle
Just because somebody accepts your condition, doesn’t mean they’re right for you. Look for someone that you would like even if you didn’t have a chronic illness. You’re still the same amazing person you were before getting sick. It’s a part of you, but there’s so much more to you than that. Don’t lower your standards because of something that happened to you.
It can be hard sometimes to remember this. Especially if people tell you that you’re lucky your partner stays with you even though you’re sick. They’re wrong. Accepting your illness is the minimum requirement to date you. You deserve more than the bare minimum, and you can find someone who will give that to you.