Latinos treat chronic illnesses like the Madrigals in Encanto treat Bruno, we don’t talk about them. Physical, mental, and emotional problems are dismissed as being from stress, in our imagination, or an overreaction. Even if we admit we have a problem we’re told to pray about it and it’ll go away.

Many Latinos avoid going to a doctor because they think they’ll find something wrong even if nothing is wrong. The reality is we avoid going until it’s a problem, so they’re going to find something wrong. We want to be strong and show no weakness, but ignoring something doesn’t make it disappear.

It’s 2022 and it’s time we start talking about these things. However, because it’s something most people don’t like to talk about, there are some things we need to keep in mind.

1. This is as new to them as it is to you, if not more

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re new to illness, or at least new to talking about it with others, and that’s okay, we all need a starting point. If you’re the person with the illness then you’ve had some time to deal with all the emotions that come will a new diagnosis, but they haven’t.

Think about all the feelings you had when you first started feeling symptoms. You probably thought you were just stressed, not eating healthy enough, or not sleeping well. When you realized something was wrong you probably thought that you’d get a diagnosis, take some medicine, and be fine, but that wasn’t the case.

Remember how it felt when you were first told you would probably never be healthy again. It’s scary, confusing, and heartbreaking. You’ve been able to deal with all these hard feelings and accept reality. They need time to do the same.

2. Illness comes with grief

Your health is a part of you, and losing it takes time to grieve. You’re different, your life will change, and your future will not be what you thought it would be. Grief includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Now they will grieve that part of you too.

Maybe they’ll think you’re exaggerating, or that you just haven’t seen the right doctor yet. They will give you multiple suggestions that you’ve probably already thought of. They’ll repeatedly ask if there’s anything you can do to cure it. They’ll be upset at doctors for not helping you, and be sad when they realize there isn’t much they can do. Eventually, they’ll accept your new normal just as you will, but it will take time.

3. It affects them too

Illness doesn’t only affect the person who has it, but also everyone who loves them. It hurts them to see you in pain and they will constantly worry about you, especially your parents. They want you to be happy, but your life now has inevitable sadness in it and they can’t do much about it.

It’s also a learning experience for them. Maybe they haven’t even heard of what you have, or ever met someone who has it. They have to learn about your condition, what you’re going through, and how they can help.

4. It will take time to get used to your new normal

You have to be patient and kind with yourself and be patient with them as long as they’re trying. Illness comes with a lot of change that can be scary and hard to accept, and everyone takes a different amount of time to adjust to change.

They don’t feel what you feel. They can’t fully understand what you’re going through. It can be frustrating to repeatedly explain your condition to them, but even if they don’t understand how you’ve changed yet, they still love you.

5. Grandma grew up in a different time

Things have changed a lot in the past few decades. It used to be very inappropriate to talk about illness. Being open about health issues is still new to most people. They probably have many negative misconceptions that need to be changed.

When I first told my grandma that I was going to get an ileostomy the first thing she told me was to not tell my boyfriend. Now she’s seen how much it has improved my health and that it’s not a big deal and it’s not a bad thing.

This goes back to not showing weakness and praying for problems to go away. They care about what others may think and it can take repeated exposure and education for them to be okay with talking about it. It doesn’t help that there aren’t always a lot of resources in Spanish. Be patient with them and keep in mind that they see discussing illness as bad, even though it’s not.

6. Be thoughtful of who you tell about your health

Ideally family and friends wouldn’t talk about you when you’re not around but unfortunately, we all have that one gossipy aunt who shares everyone’s business. Most people understand that health issues are private and won’t tell others, but sadly not everyone respects that.

I am very open about my health condition, but not everyone is. It’s also easier to be open about them the longer you’ve dealt with them and had time to adjust. Eventually, people might find out anyways, but it’s a lot more stressful dealing with health problems when others are talking about it. Who knows about your health should be up to you, so be careful of who you tell and how much you want to share.

7. It’s okay to cut toxic people out of your life, even if they’re family

Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, there will probably be someone who won’t do the same for you and they will never truly understand you. They might refuse to accept how you’ve changed, refuse to even believe you, or just generally be hurtful with their words and actions. You don’t need these people in your life.

There’s a difference between someone struggling to accept your health and someone refusing to. Being a family member does not excuse any bad behavior. If you would not accept it from someone else then you shouldn’t make an exception for them.

Your health matters way more than their feelings, and that includes your mental health. Toxic people suck your time and energy, and if you have any kind of illness you have a lot less of both. Save yourself the stress and detriment to your health and cut them off. It might hurt but you’ll be better off for it in the long run.

8. At the end of the day, it’s your story to tell

Illness is not your fault, and your life probably won’t be the same, but how it changes is in your hands. Educate yourself about your illness so you can navigate it better, and share with people you love and trust, or don’t.

Talking about our issues can help make them easier to handle, but you don’t have to tell everyone or anyone unless you want to. Take time to process things and decide how you want to handle them. You decide who you share your story with and what parts.